We Need to Talk About Death and Dying

Hello

Welcome to my new Blog - We Need to Talk About Death and Dying

A strange subject? Macabre? Or life enhancing and liberating?

I've been working as a carer for over two years, mostly with the elderly, many with a terminal diagnosis.  Being able to talk honestly and openly about death and dying with some of these people has been a blessing, to us both.  However, in general it is a taboo subject, even with those who are at the end of their life.  Very few people want to face death; the certain fate that awaits us all.

When my mother, a passionate born again Christian, died 4 years ago I wasn't able to find anyone who would talk to her about dying.  The carers in her nursing home dismissed her requests to say her good-byes ('You're going to live for years yet!'), her minister, having been told to go away years before, wouldn't visit her, and her friends from church, who I asked to go specifically to talk about dying, avoided the subject.  Even her social worker was surprised that I couldn't find anyone to talk with Mum, but neither could she suggest anyone 'qualified' to do so.

So it was left to me, a pagan and totally unprepared, to understand her fears, reassure her that she would go to heaven, and ultimately to be the person who held her hand as she slipped away on an imaginary boat into the sunset, to the sound of my voice singing 'The Skye Boat Song'.  It was one of the most moving experiences of my life, and maybe it was just what she needed, as well as the rote incantations of the minister who did come later.

I'm now working specifically as a palliative carer; my clients have been given terminal diagnoses, usually within a year.  I'm doing an End of Life Care course which outlines the assessments, planning and co-ordination of services that is recommended for people at the end of life in the UK.  In the meantime we hear terrible stories of the shortage of care available for the elderly, the challenges for people who wish to use Dignitas (the assisted dying facility in Switzerland) and the ever increasing development of new drugs and technologies to prolong life.  All carers, when I've asked, say they don't want to end their days like the people they care for, they have all said 'I'll go to Switzerland'.

People are led to believe that all their ills if not curable are at least manageable, but no one explains at what cost to your well being, your independence and quality of life.  Few people have family (or friends) who are able to provide full time care, and towards the end of life the care needs can be 24/7.  As a carer, I can tell you that the care service is in crisis; we are underpaid and over worked, unable to give the care that is really required.  And yet the demands on care services are increasing rapidly and will continue to do so with the coming baby boom generation becoming elderly.

I'm a baby boomer, born in the late 50's.  We've been almost guaranteed a long and fulfilling old age, with beautiful warden controlled residential homes being built everywhere, life-prolonging and life-enhancing drugs and surgery still available on the NHS (for which we've paid for all our lives and therefore we are entitled!), equity release to pay for our cruises, and the only mention of dying is buying a funeral plan.  What I see every day is not like that.

I invite us all to share our experiences of death and dying and what we would wish for our own death.  I will share what I am learning from inside the system and any useful links, starting with this

The True Cost - Dignitas        www.features.dignityindying.org.uk